Okita x Kagura Anthology: Volume 1
by Sabichu
Summary: Long Title: Shounen Series won't Add Romance until the Editors realize it Sells the Most Merchandise. This story explores the one of the possible canon pairings in Gintama. There's Romance, of course. SPOILER WARNINGS UP TO LESSON 668.
1. Prologue

**Okita x Kagura Anthology** : Shounen Series won't Add Romance until the Editors realize it Sells the Most Merchandise

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 **Prologue:** The Author of This Fic is Just Pulling Theories out Of Their Ass since the Manga Hasn't Ended Yet

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Earth was safe from Utsuro with the Dragon Pulse left undisturbed. Everything changed when she had to say goodbye to her dear friend, Sadaharu. He was a big boy and had to return as a guardian of the Dragon Lair.

It was inevitable that she was growing up, and everyone around her was doing so as well too.

Gintoki made it a point to protect everyone that was precious to him, even if it meant killing the face of his teacher again. Kagura didn't understand it at first, but Gin's outlook in life changed after that. He was adamant to keep his town as the Impenetrable Iron City safe from any danger.

With the help of Poppy, and surprisingly, Kamui and his subordinates. Earth was saved, kinda.

Destroying a city was easy, rebuilding a city was difficult, and protecting an entire planet was harder.

When Edo was in recovery, she knew she had to train and become stronger for the world she loved. She went along with Poppy in his travels, wanting to fulfill her duty to protect Earth and be the strongest alien hunter in the universe.

The Space Terminal destroyed, alternative ways of travel was strictly regulated by the bakufu.

"You're leaving the planet without telling me, China?" A newly reformed Shinsengumi's First Division Captain asked her.

"I can count on you to watch over the planet right? Hopefully it's still in one piece when I come back." She said to him while putting the large bag over her shoulder.

"We still haven't determined who's stronger yet." Sougo Okita blew on his whistle signaling one side of traffic to cross over a bridge for universal space travel.

"I'll be back to kick your ass, just you wait." She smirked.

"Count on it." He smiled.

It was Kagura's first time back in the Kabuki district since the War-That-Wasn't-A-War ended. At the age of eighteen, almost a legal adult, she felt she was ready to take charge and make a difference in the world she grew up in.

Everything was different in a good way. Kabuki was peaceful and still filled with life and the shop she used to frequent still sold her pickled seaweed.

Kagura looked up at the sign reading "Odd Jobs, Gin-chan". She was nervous walking up familiar stairs, but she was home. Home sweet home.

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 **Chapter 1:** The Secret of a Long Term Relationship is Sabotaging It First


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:** **The Secret of a Long Term Relationship is Sabotaging It First**

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"I'm back!" Kagura shouted at the entrance, placing her luggage down. "Gin-chan? Shinpachi?" She called with no response.

She took off her boots looking around the home with no one in sight.

At Gin's desk, she noticed a letter with her name on it.

"Kagura-chan,

Welcome back home. Gin-san and I are out of town working and will be back in two days. We will celebrate your return home when we get back.

Shinpachi."

The Yato dropped the letter on the desk blankly. She wanted a boisterous welcome home especially that she hasn't been back on Earth for months that felt like years. Realistically, she expected Gintoki and Shinpachi to be the first to greet her, however, that didn't even happen.

She wanted things back to normal again where it was lively. It didn't matter if it was Otose's shouting from the first floor or the white noises of Sadaharu's snoring. Things were not the same anymore. If it meant changing was part of growing up, she would be happy to keep things at a standstill.

Not really knowing what to do with her time, she checked the refrigerator for some food, but alas, it was scarce, only container of strawberry milk and pudding remained. Although those options were good, she knew Gin would have a fit if someone had eaten his sweets. Kagura would do something selfless and pick up groceries and other household items for the place, after all being the assistant of the great Umibozu had its rewards.

As she dressed out of her alien hunter outfit, she made a mental list of the pros and the cons why she came back in the first place. She never had much of a salary at Odd Jobs to begin with, and her main objective years ago was just to go back to Rakuyou. After meeting the good people on Earth, her goal had changed.

After all the fighting, she eventually gave up trying to repair her broken family and realized her home and her family was in Edo in Odd Jobs.

Dressing the part made a huge difference being back in Kabuki District. She squeezed into her red cheongsam, letting her hair down with one bun on the side.

She headed out to the door shouting, "I'm leaving!" but it didn't make much sense as no one was home to wish her a good outing.

Kagura bought her favorite snack, wandering around the city with a bag of groceries on her arm.

"Miss, would you like to try your luck in winning our raffle?" An older woman interrupted her during mid-chew of the pickled seaweed.

It piqued her interest, "What's the grand prize?"

"Grand prize winners win a free trip for a relaxing vacation for two. Other contestants win a fun night in town."

"When you say free, what does it consist of?" Kagura narrowed her eyes.

"Games, dinner, and a live performance." She smiled.

Kagura already was sold on the free dinner part, "Okay, let's do this!"

She spun the wheel ferociously until a black ball rolled out from the cage.

"What is this?!" Kagura looking at her consolation brochure, "Couple Dating Event. Congratulations winning a free event night in Edo. Your participation will help encourage you and your partner to commit to a life of love and help stimulate the birthrate in the country." Reading aloud. She stared at the paper, "What type of filthy marketing is this?!" Again screaming into the paper.

Someone bumped onto her shoulder, dropping all the contents on the floor. She hastily gathered what she could until a gust of wind blew the last of what was left from her packet, a ticket.

Her eyes followed the ticket, chasing it down.

It landed on a man's arm. He stopped in his tracks, to look at the paper.

"Oh? A Couple Dating Event huh?" A lazy voice read aloud.

That voice, that uniform were all too familiar to Kagura, slowing her pace.

"Rakugo1 performance, hm? Sounds interesting." He placed the ticket in his inner pocket, strolling along the way.

"Hey, that's my ticket you have there!" Kagura tailed after him.

He turned around, "China…?"

He was in disbelief.

The flat chested pig grew into a woman.

"Look, the flat chested pig grew into a woman." He said exactly what he had in his mind.

Kagura's suspicions were right; it was the damn sadist police officer. Not quite remembering his real name, but remembering the other nicknames she gave him.

"Oh, the Chihuahua finally isn't in heat anymore and finally decided to become an adult, huh?" Kagura spat out insults, remembering how much a little bitch he was back then and still probably is one.

"Hey now, we're adults here. We shouldn't be acting like kids anymore." Sougo spoke down to her. He had grown quite a bit, no longer part of the 170cm club.

Kagura leaned a little closer, studying his face, looking at the little spurts of hair around his chin. "Yeah, you're not much of an adult with those stray hairs around your face."

He pulled back from the Yato, gritting his teeth, embarrassed that he still hasn't been able to grow a good coverage of facial hair, and being blonde made it worse.

His face was more refined, hair not all layered it used to be. He actually fit into his uniform instead of him swimming in it. Broader shoulders really made him physically more of a man now.

"Back off, China girl." Pushing her face away from him with his hand, "Shouldn't you be on a different planet where you belong?"

"Give me back my ticket!" She demanded, reaching into his jacket.

"What are you yammering about?" He backed his shoulder away, keeping out of her reach.

Kagura pointed to his jacket pocket, "That ticket belongs to me."

He held her back with more force, "Finders keepers."

"I knew it, the Tax Revenue Robbers stealing property of its citizens! Give it back!" She reached for the paper only he maneuvered to keep her hand from a distance. He smashed her cheeks together. "Merr nmerger yerr er hargg ck! (It's not yours! It has my name on it!)"

Somehow, Sougo was able to understand gibberish. He fished the ticket with his free hand, finding her name. The back of the ticket was written, "Kagura-san's Guest".

Kagura bit the skin between his thumb and index finger.

"What the hell?!" He shouted as he let go of her face, "I was going to give it back to you out of the goodness of my sadistic heart, but I'm going to that event now."

"They won't let you in without me." Kagura charged again, reaching for his pocket.

Sougo pushed her. She fumbled back almost losing her balance.

"If you want it so badly, you just have to pry it from my beaten body." The officer drew out his sword. "I didn't forget our promise."

"Ugh, I don't have time for this!" She turned her feet to a fighting stance, putting her arms up. Then she remembered the groceries, standing back up again. "Oh, I forgot I had these."

"You're really not going to fight me for a bag of groceries?" He deadpanned.

"Food is, and is _always_ a bigger priority than you." Kagura checked to see anything was broken or missing.

Sougo rolled his eyes, inserting his sword hack into his scabbard and began walk away, "It's okay if you want to forfeit your ticket, I'll just have my girlfriend go and pretend it's you."

"Your right hand doesn't count, dumbass!" She yelled at him from a distance.

She fumed. "Now I have to go to this thing with this jerk." Kagura wasn't going to give up a free meal, but it also meant she had to pretend dating the Sadist. She never went on a grown up date before and needed advice quick.

•

"Boss Lady!" Kagura ran into Tae's arms, giving her a big hug.

"Kagura-chan, how are you?" The eldest of the Shimura family, twirled her around, "Look at you, all grown up now!"

Kagura blushed. "I'm so happy to see you! I just got back today, and no one was home when I got there." Her smile turned into a frown quick.

"I do remember Shin-chan telling me he'll be out of town for work for a few days." Tae recalled.

"Odd Jobs really doing well now isn't it?" She sunk her head onto the table. Her gut told her that she was unneeded and coming back to Earth wasn't the best thing do.

Tae put her finger against her cheek, "Well, to think about it, the business has been getting lots of requests lately. Shin-chan has been coming home a lot later, even working on weekends on some occasions."

Kagura sighed.

"What's the matter?" Tae looked at her with concern.

Kagura rolled her head to the side of the table, contemplating her choice of topic.

"Kagura-chan?" Tae asked, touching her hand.

"I have a date with someone and I need advice." She propped her head up with disappointment.

"That's wonderful!" The brunette put her hands together, smiling gleefully. "Who's the lucky man?"

Kagura looked at the side in aggravation, "Some guy."

"This a good opportunity to tell him all your adventures!" Tae was overly excited for her. "Ooh you should wear something nice, and maybe put some make up on!"

An evil laughter came from above, "That is no way to win a man's heart." A lavender-haired ninja swung upside down from the ceiling, with her torso hanging from the beam.

"It looks like I still have pests from the last time you were over." Tae held her content expression as she punched the ninja stalker off the beam, sending her flying into the paper-thin walls.

Sa-chan quickly recovered from the other side of the room, jumping onto her knees, sitting on the mat. "To make a man happy, you must be completely submissive to all his needs."

Both ladies looked at the ninja blankly. Sa-chan was speaking to the vase.

"Um, maybe I should see Tsukki. I haven't visited her since I came back." Kagura rubbed the back of her head.

•

"Dating advice?" Tsukuyo exhaled her smoke, removing the pipe off her lips. "Simple, if ya want to be successful on your first date, show off your ****, push ya self against his ****, when you feel his **** get ****. Then ya ***** **** **** ******."

Kagura twitched, "You're describing to me much more than I need to know for a first date!"

"Oh no, foreplay makes things more exciting than just *******. You would want him to tie you up first and whip you a little." Sa-chan clasped her hands together, rocking side to side. "These are the most effective knots to keep his **** ** much longer." Showing complex knots with a rough textured rope.

"I can see your point, but if you get him tired, he doesn't need your attention anymore. Get paid more for less time." The Death God Courtesan replied.

"Let's not put ourselves too ahead now." Hinowa bought in a tray of tea to the women. "Kagura, remember the most important thing." She put her hands on her shoulder, looking straight into her eyes, "Have him pay up front first."

The anger vein popped up at the Yato's temple, "What do you take me for?"

"I know, let's give you a makeover for your date instead, okay?" Tae grabbed her hand, forcing her off her seat.

All the women joined in, making Kagura try on different outfits, store to store, from one extreme to another. Lolita, high school girl, Ganguro, to Kimono Fashion. She was dragged from left to right. Heavy make up from the bright blue eye shadow, false eye lashes, overly pink blush, and thick red lipstick.

At this point, Kagura's spirit was broken, letting all the overzealous 'big sisters' drag her to do whatever to her. She was regretting her decision to ask for any type of advice at all.

At the end of a few hours, sitting at a bench as the women were still picking outfits for the young girl and some for themselves.

She had revelation.

"None of you have had ever been on a proper date have you?" Kagura said with her eyes to the floor.

That hit a nerve with all the women, avoiding the young girl's comment, keeping busy looking elsewhere.

Kagura exited the store with the dramatic make up and whatever clothes was on her body.

She had her head down to the street, deflated. The big sisters in her life she looked up to were clueless when it came to dating. Falling in love was a different story. All admired from afar, and never acting upon it in fear of rejection, and that was the best they can do with the men in their lives. On the other hand, playing some type of hard to get game was troublesome, but somehow the men were relentless.

Both sides seemed tedious, and Kagura wasn't looking for love, she only wanted dinner and it was disguised as a date. It is not like the Sadist had crossed her mind, romantically. Settling the score determine who is the strongest between them was the bigger issue.

The girl sighed.

"Long time no see, Leader." A soft voice said to her.

She looked around to see the only person who would call her by that name. She spotted a woman wearing a purple kimono with patterned flowers, a loose ponytail, frosted dark pink lipstick and dangerously long eyelashes.

Kagura did a double take, "Zura?"

"It's not Zura." The woman said in a masculine voice, "It's Zurako."

She looked horrified and impressed at the same time. If she didn't know any better, Zura was able to pass as a really beautiful woman.

"I see you have changed quite a bit." Zurako walked over to a mannequin with red hair.

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Kagura watched him continuing to talk to the inanimate object.

•

The crossdressing samurai handed her a moist towelette, wiping away the caked on layers of make up on her face. "Leader, how are you?" He sat next to her.

Kagura sulked, "Everything is terrible. Since I came back to Earth, I haven't seen Gin-chan or Shinpachi, and heard they're doing fine without me. The Boss Lady and the other woman are hopeless. I asked them for dating advice somehow my face turned into a painting and I'm stuck wearing all these clothes." She lifted her arm going through the different layers she had on.

"A date, huh?" He said as two bowls with soba was placed in front of them.

"Here you go two bowls of soba." The owner of Hokuto Shinken ramen shop, Ikumatsu said to them at the bar, placing her hand on her hip. "Aren't you one of Gintoki's employees?" Ikumatsu asked Kagura.

She nodded.

"It's been awhile hasn't it? Tell Gintoki-san, I said hello." She smiled, "Please enjoy your meal."

Kagura looked at her bowl with the buckwheat noodles, mixed vegetables and broth. "Hey… Owner, do you have any advice for me about dating?"

"Dating?" She thought about it for a minute. "Cliché as it may sound, but be your natural self."

"This dating thing is nerve wracking. I don't even want to go on this date." She said in frustration, splitting her chopsticks, "Let's eat." She said slurping down her noodles.

"At first, I was very nervous; acting and speaking to him unlike my usual self. Because all of the advice I've received from all my peers, I almost sabotaged my relationship with my husband. Others have different definitions of dating and love, and whatever works for them, may not work for you."

Kagura looked her with undivided attention while chewing the noodles.

"When he died…he said to me to keep smiling and be true to myself." Ikumatsu looked to the side as tears formed behind her eyes and sniffled. She composed herself, "One day I hid a man running from the police. He saved my life from a kidnapping, and every now then, he would show up to this shop occasionally looking for soba. It's not very popular on the menu but keeping it as a choice is my way of thanking him."

Katsura cleared his throat after sipping the broth from his bowl.

"Zurako is one of the very few that order soba, other than that man."

Kagura deadpanned wiping her mouth, "You know this person _is_ Zura right?"

Ikumatsu looked confused, as Katsura widened his eyes, looking at Leader, then to the owner.

"Uh, that is my nickname." He panicked waving his arms across her. "Leader, I'm undercover to protect her." Katsura whispered to Kagura, only to realize her mistake.

"I am quite sure I heard that you are…"

"No, no, no. You heard wrong, please continue your dating advice for Leader here." He quickened his speech, hovering his bowl eating more.

Ikumatsu blinked, "Anyway, as a young girl on her first date, I'll give you some encouragement." The owner wiped her hands on a rag before exiting to the back of the kitchen. She came back with a tube of pink lip-gloss.

"May I?" She said wanting to apply the gloss.

Kagura nodded, "Please."

The ramen owner uncapped the wand, taking it out from the tube, "Open your mouth slightly."

Kagura did what she was told as the older woman applied the gloss onto her lips.

She tapped her lips together.

Ikumatsu handed her a compact mirror. Kagura looked at her reflection, noticing at the hint of color on her lips. The girl she saw in the mirror was just…her.

"Looks like you are ready for your date." She winked at her girl.

Kagura returned a smile, "Thank you!"

•

"Hijikata-san, I'm going out." Sougo stopped by his office, not realizing Kondo was in the room, "Kondo-san…"

"You're off duty already?" Hijikata put out his cigarette, "What's your rush to leave?"

"I got a last minute ticket to a performance."

"Oh? Are you going with someone, Sougo?" The Gorilla asked.

"Not sure they'll show up."

"You're going on a date?"

"I didn't say it was date…"

"That's wonderful news. Our Sougo is growing up." Kondo completely ignored him, laughing. "Shower her with presents. Girls love to know you care with gifts from the heart."

"Whatever you say, Kondo-san. I'm only there to enjoy the performance." Sougo began to exit the room, as he felt something come at him, catching it with his hand.

It was a razor.

Hijikita folded his arms, with his eyes closed, "Sougo, shave, you look like a mess."

•

It was thirty minutes before the group event. The meeting place was in front of Prince Hata's pet statue of a mixed alien dog.

Kagura arrived in her mid-thigh length red cheongsam, white knee socks and black Mary Janes with her parasol resting on her shoulder.

Fifteen minutes passed.

"I knew that bastard wouldn't show up." She mumbled.

"Don't get too full of yourself. I didn't come here for you." Kagura heard his voice from behind.

She her flung her hair back revealing those glossy lips of hers and the slight blush of her cheeks.

Sougo was taken back a bit.

She actually…looked…cute.

"Everyone, thank you for coming to our dating event! We will begin our activities in a few minutes!" A woman announced on her speakerphone.

 **Next, Chapter 2: The Game of Love is Hard to Play When Both Players are Sore Losers  
**

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 **References** : Japan has a very low birthrate, and events and campaigns have been marketed to the younger generation for years now.

Sougo, Kamui, and Takasugi belong in the 170cm (5' 5") club, a fandom reference.

In Shibuya, there is a popular meeting spot at the Hachiko Statue. Hachiko was a dog that was very loyal to its owner even after his owner had died.

After watching episode 324, I want to start writing on volume 3, lol. This slow burn…

I had some productivity issues writing this chapter since it is only the beginning and again, I need to stop writing and posting so late at night.

I don't know if I can keep up with the titles of the next chapters. I really have fun of creating the titles than writing the story sometimes.

Thank you for all your wonderful support and reviews. And of course, critique and criticisms are open.

 ** _1 Rankugo is a type of storytelling where the person sits in the middle of the stage to tell a long comedy story. It is Sougo's favorite type of 'music' as what the Gorilla has answered in the extras to what each character's favorite music is, Kagura's favorite type is Enka, which she has also explained in lesson 157 (episode 92)_**


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